I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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