We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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