the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
