Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize