Where are you?
In a non slutty way
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I smell stomach acid.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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