Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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