Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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