I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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