it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
