I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
