i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Are my feet made of real feet?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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