sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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