hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
