at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
