dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
