In America we eat man semen.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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