We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
