Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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