i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
