i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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