OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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