My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
