I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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