So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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