i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
