I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
