I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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