I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
