white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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