Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
