I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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