Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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