All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
