I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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