Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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