Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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