omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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