It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
