ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
