she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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