Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize