The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize