bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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