dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
