There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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