Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
