I think I died a long time ago.
I cockslap morals
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
