I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
