the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
