I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Randomize
