I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
