We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize