I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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