My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
