You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
