I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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