I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
