Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
