I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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