You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
