I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
