maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
