cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
