Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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