I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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