I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
