talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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