You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
